Is This What We Call PREMONITION?

I have considered Instinct.  I have considered, Telepathy, Chemistry, Intuition, Six Sense.  Yes, I have considered lots of words to explain the weird kind of sensation I feel since more than 15 years ago.  Then a few days ago, I stumble to a word ‘premonition’ in the latest story book that I was reading.   So, I start to google the meaning and translation for the words and I think this is the closest definition to the question I have been search for so long.

According to Merriem-Webster.Com dictionary, the words Premonition is originally from the Anglo-French and also Medievel Latin language, ‘premunition’.  The words also is an alteration of late latin ‘preamonitio’.  It is first use in 15 century.  It is define as Previous notice or warning(Forewarning) or  Anticipation of an event without conscious reason( presentiment).

Another explanation that I found about premonition is it is a type of prophecy consisting of an impressionable warning of a future event. The phenomenon is characterized by such sensations as anxiety, uneasiness, a vague feeling of disquiet suggesting impending disaster to actual visual or auditory hallucinations. Premonition is sometimes referred to as a "gut-level" feeling. The sensation tends to occur prior to disasters, accidents, deaths and other traumatic and emotionally charged events..

Premonitions occurring in a waking state are more predominant that those that occur in dreams because in the latter they are frequently disguised as symbols, and tend to go unnoticed. However, when theses symbols frequently reappear in dreams, the individual may learn to recognize distinguishing symbols or emotional tones.

Now, what Premonition has to do with nobody me?  The truth is, I never understand it myself and I also not so sure if this is what we call premonition.  But as I said earlier, this is the closest explanation I found. 

First of all, as you read through this particular post you might find it a bit scandalous and sensitive to a few persons especially those who are close to me.  But take note that I don’t mean to hurt anyone.  Please treat it as some kind of free discussion. Come on, it’s not all the time I will let my inner self laid bare!!!

Here goes the story. I was very young when I have this crazy ‘crush’ towards this particular person. Well, let’s call him Mr. Anonymous. He is my first love and yeah…I was ‘head over heels’ in love with him like any other teenagers who is in love for the first time.  Looking back, I realize I did experience the weird experience or sensation about him from the beginning.  Only that I didn’t realize it earlier.  I only realize it a few years later when our path has gone to a different direction. 

Before I proceed, kindly take note that my relationship with him was somewhat considered undeclared and hanging but strangely ‘deep’. At least that is how I see it.  And after we took our own different direction, we don’t leave latest addresses or numbers to each other.  Thus we live our own life free from each other. No hopes, no promises to each other. If we happen to meet or talking on the phone, it was an unplanned event. And it happened very seldom in that period of 15 years.  And when it happened, usually I am well warned through the premonition.

The Premonition usually came in a shape of dreams.  Dream about him particularly.  And, it will end up that in the very near future, some event including him will happen.  An event as simple as, he might suddenly call out of nowhere, or out of nowhere I would stumble upon him or he is somewhere nearby in terms of geography.

The Premonition also came in a different shape sometimes.  And it is usually stronger than the premonition in a shape of dreams.  A feeling, anxiety, instinct, intuition…I don’t know which one.  But, it is some sort of a strong ‘thoughts’ about him that it will leave me restless until I find the answer of the source.  The strongest premonition I have experience in this shape was, the premonition about his engagement.  Recalling that day, I was in a middle of long journey from Tenom to Kota Kinabalu.  And suddenly I feel like my heart beat so fast than usual and the thoughts of him are very strong.  The only things that keep on repeating on my head was, he is married or somehow getting married.  I don’t know which one but, it must have something to do about marriage matter.  I disclosed the feeling to one of my closest friend who knows my history with him because that is the only way I can smoothened my anxiety. A few days later, I received a call from another close friend of mine telling me that she has received a news  that Mr. Anonymous was engaged exactly on the very date that I feel the premonition.  Upon receiving the news, I make a few calls to friends whom might know his latest phone number.  I called him and he confirmed it!

I was very shocked!  I was trembling, sweating and feel that I will faint anytime.  Not because of the news I just received.  But the fact that, the unexplainable connection I have with him are so scary powerful and strong.  That was, more than 3 years ago before both of us take a much more further different direction and considered final. And in that period of time, I was somehow convinced that the strange connection has finally broken.

My questions are, what exactly was the phenomenon?  Why it’s happen to me? Why only towards him I feel it?  I have families, I have close friends but I never have a strong connection like that towards them except a nightmare I have about 2 weeks before my mother’s death, which I won’t discuss it here. Will save it for another post in the future. So, back to the story,  I never ask him if he ever feel the same sensation I always feel or dream but judging from the…so called ‘quite thoughtless’ way he treated me, I believe I am the only one who experienced it and he on the other hand never aware of it.  

In searching of the answers, I have considered a few explanations.  One of it was, well…this actually sound quite embarrassing for me but…for once, I was made believe by my own thoughts that…perhaps there was some sort of divine intervention and it’s a sign that, there is a chance that he is in fact my soul mate. That’s why we were connected strongly in a strange way.  But then, where we are and what we become today is the living proves that it’s not the accurate explanation. So, I have to drop it.  The other explanation was, perhaps what I experience, the feeling, the anxiety, dreams and most of all the powerful unexplainable connection was driven by the deep feelings and thoughts I have for him.  But was it?  Is there such thing as that?  If there is, I never heard of it.

I dream of him again a few weeks ago and it is the first dream I have after so long. The impact is not as strong as before but enough to make me say ‘now what?’ And as I expected, somehow our world collides again a few days later in a ‘high tech digital world’ if you know what I mean.  And that was what encourages me to write about this topic. 

I am still wondering, when will it ever stop? Somehow, I feel exhausted and I have to admit that it depressed me sometimes.  I am still looking for answer. I want to know the truth.  And I don’t know if there is answer provided for me on this earth or I have to wait until I meet my Creator.  After all, God knows better.

Okay guys, it’s quite a long post huh?  And sounds a bit melancholy too. Are you touched?  Moved?  Or..simply bored?  Cheer up…coz I am penning off here.  Have a nice day everyone and I will see you again in my next post.

Bye for now and….Until Tomorrow!

Sources:

Merriem-Webster.Com dictionary

Guiley, Rosemary Ellen. Harper's Encyclopedia of Mystical and Paranormal Experience, New York: HarperCollins, 1991, pp. 465-466
Spence, Lewis, An Encyclopedia of Occultism, New York, Carol Publishing Group Edition, 1996, p. 329

In Quest of Tranquility

It took me quite sometimes to finally create this blogging space. Exploring, learning, refers to other blogs for some ideas. But most of the time, I will just disconnected the internet connection, off my laptop (oppss..my husband’s laptop actually) with an empty hand. I was draining out of ideas.  And what was it that troubling my brain so much to find?  Guess what guys, it’s simply the title of my blog!

Well..it’s not that everyone would care to read it.  But it’s my blog, my space, my empty canvas to sketch however I like.  So, I need something that at least can describe the contents of the blog and picture out me as a person.  I need a magic word that has a very strong connection to my life.  And finally, the best I can get is ‘TRANQUILITY’ and I like it. That’s what I seek all this while.

Why this words? Mmmm…let me bring you back to my brief history.  I was born in a big and loving family.  Humble beginning though but, strong will and hard work of my dad make me dare to say, it’s a perfect blessing to be born in this family.  And I am the youngest child.  It’s an extra blessing.  But I was an ugly child.  Hahahaha.  Ugly but adorable.  Yeah right!!! Well, ugly or not, it doesn’t matter.  At least I am adorable in my kindred’s eyes.

But, little did they know and I didn’t know it myself back then, that I grown up became teenagers and young single woman fighting a hard battle on my mind.  My parents and my siblings are a very special person in my eyes.  All of them! They are talented, they are genius and even some of them not, they have their own unique strength that is so rare to find.  In other words, they are a successful human being. Thus, they have put a very high standard for me to keep up.

I’ve been through a lot in that battle.  A bittersweet experience I would say.  Been praised and applauded, been awarded and criticized, fell in love, being in love, rejected and out of love, stumble and fall and raise up.  It’s draining me up.

Living alone in a big city as a young and single woman, giving me an opportunity to enjoy my single life.  Crazy life. Well not that I am a bad woman, but I have a wild side too.  Working and squeeze my brain in a day and embrace night life few times in a week.  Dress up, flirt, dance, got drunk and all the hoo haa hoo haa.  And at the end of the day, when the disco lights go out, I will find myself sitting in the dark alone and in tears.  It’s hectic, it’s lonely, it’s meaningless.

Time passes by and I am married now,  and slowly I feel that my old self is fading away.  Lot’s of thing has changed since then. I cannot say if this is better or worst.  I couldn’t say that I am happier now coz, I lost a few things that are so meaningful and dear to me as well.  I lost a few friends of mine, I lost my job and above all I lost my beloved mother.  So, how could I say, this is better..this is happier when someone that has the biggest influence in my life has gone.  But one thing for sure, all this heartbreaking lost makes me moving slower in pace. The battle is still there of course.  But I think it’s up to me to decide on how to fight in that battle.  

Moving in with my husband in a new place, no connection and jobless gave me an ample time to look inside myself.  Going through each day running the house as lady of our small house somehow teach me a lot about wifely duty.  After all is done, I take my quiet time to drown inside myself, think about my lost and how to cure my weeping soul, think about the uncertain future, reminisce the old times and appreciate the blessing of the presents. 

I am still fighting.  The battle is not over.  After all, it’s a lifetime battle.  But I need time to rest as well.  A time for myself to stop running for a while in the midst of the hectic lifestyle.  A time for myself to have my quiet and serene moment, enjoying every second of it and sketch on my empty canvas.  That is why I choose the words, Tranquility.  A moments of peace…a moments of calmness.  This is what I called, My Moments of Tranquility.

So…that’s all for today guys.  See you in my next post.

Bye for now and Hasta Manana!!

Welcoming Myself To Blogging!

Finally....I successfully created my own blog.  Congrats to me!!!  Hehehe...

And enough for today...phewwww!!!

Until Tomorrow!!!