Another Changes

Hi Everyone.  

As you can see, I have changed my blog title again and change some of it's design.  I finally re-decide to create a new blog using the blog title that I created recently 'Through Each Given Days'.  The reason behind this decision was simply because I want to have a blog that has a same blog title and blog web address.  By doing this I hope, it is narrowing the possibilities of coming across a blog that has a similar title with mine again in the future (Even though it's possible of course).  But, at least I have made an effort to avoid it.

Please be notified that I do not plan to update any new entry on this blog again.  For those of you who has been following me , you are welcome to continue following me on the new blog through this web address:

http://througheachgivendays.blogspot.com/.

Thank you very much for your support and sorry for the inconvenience cause.  I see you in my other blog.

Friendship Forever????

Friendship.  Yeah…I start to have a mixture feeling even before I type the first word of it.  For some reasons, this is one thing that always give me a feeling of....well..something so very hard to  describe.  Hurt, agony…a longing and happiness too.   It’s been quite sometimes that I wanted to post an entry about this particular subject.  And every time, I would fail to finish it for I become too emotional and deeply touched for uncertain reason.  Well…I think I know the reason…just…I refuse to admit it.

I happen to hang out with one of my ‘remaining’ very close friend yesterday and have some ‘heart to heart’ chat with her at a small coffee shop.  Ohhh..we did this a lot in the old days.  It’s one of the thing we really love to do together.   We talked mostly about her upcoming wedding.  And she share some of her thoughts, plans..fear…excitement.   And she told me that somehow, during all this process…she eventually become frustrated towards one of her very close friend (not me of course and…yes…hopefully never me).  She was softly ‘hurt’ simply because that friend of hers didn’t give her the ‘million congrats…I am happy for you’ reaction when she told her about the confirmed date of the wedding. In fact, she almost has no reaction at all!

Well, for some people….they might consider my friend a bit silly and over sensitive for being hurt by that simple matter.  But, I do understand how she felt.  I have been there and I understand.  Having  that particular ‘heart to heart’ chat with her yesterday evoke something deep inside me…something I try to ignore every day.

I remember having a few people that I consider my very close friends.  Friends that I met, during my primary school, my secondary school, college and a friends in my work place.  I don’t have many though for I am not the kind who let myself easily connected strongly in friendship with just anyone.  But a few that I have, I try my best to appreciate them in any way within my ability. Being there for them through laugh and tears, being a shoulder for them to cry…drive hundreds of km to the unknown territory and being lost just to attend their special days…just for being there in a hope that they can see how serious I am in that friendship and wish that they won’t forget the friendship.  But after sometimes, I realize….I should not expect too much on what we called… ‘friendship forever’.  Perhaps….it’s just another form of fairy tale.

I started to feel being neglected by one of my close friend a few months before I met my husband.  I was single and live alone in a big city. I use to hang out with her.  Do crazy things together.  And eventually, she has been taken and she has another priority.  She started to spend less and less time with me.  And…yeah I know this is sound silly…but I feel neglected that time. I feel so alone and lonely.  Somehow, after months of trying…I survived it. I just tell myself that, I cannot blame her.  She has another responsibility. I moved on and manage to hang out and have fun with other friend and in the end my husband.  But not without missing her every now and then.

But, things turn out that she was not the only one who makes me feel neglected.  Through times, some also disappearing and it’s very hard to hear from them. Some indirectly shows me that they have other best friend and I do not matter much.  Even then, I still hoping.  But, there is one time where I feel I have enough.  It was when, I look around a big hall…scanning each faces…and none of them belong to person that I consider my close friend except one.  It was on my wedding day.  In fact, out of 400 guests attended my wedding that night, only 2 of my friend from school and 5 workmate come to attend my wedding.  The rest are my relatives and my parents’ friend. So,  I think I have the right to be hurt somehow.  And I won’t lie….I was angry and terribly hurt that time.  It was so frustrating. Never in my life I felt so alone….so friendless.

After months of dealing with it (without confronting any of them harshly), magically I survived the heart ache somehow.  Perhaps, my marriage and my new responsibility make me more ‘understanding’ and ‘forgiving’.  It matures me in some way.  But it doesn’t mean I agree to their action.  They have wronged me for sure but it’s fine and it’s okay.  I have let it pass.   Life is too short for anger.  It’s time to move on and be happy and make other people happy.

All in all, after going through all these experience…to be honest I don’t think I believe in the foundation of friendship anymore.  Let alone… the foundation of ‘Friendship Forever’.  Friendship is there…yes…it certainly there.  But the foundation is so fragile and somewhat shaky.  Like marriage, it needs hard work and perhaps a bit sacrifice if not a lot. Only then, it will work. 

   

So guys, I believe each and every one of us has at least one friend.  If you value your friend, work for it.  It’s a rare treasure to find in our short life.  I don’t know who or how many close friend I have today will remain by my side, but I would be grateful enough if there is at least one person left to laugh  and reminisce the old memories with me during an evening tea spend on a balcony  facing a misty mountains and valleys and scents of blooming roses are everywhere.... in my old age.  Yeah....a glimpse of a future I wish I would have!!

That's all for today.  Until Later!

The Ticking Of The Clock

Just dropping by for a short while.  It’s been quite a busy and trying days for me (emotionally).  So…yeah…I sat in front of my laptop everyday and tried my best to find My Moments Of Tranquility but, this emotional battles are so overwhelming, I can’t type even one words to start a new entry on my blog.

It’s October now.  And it’s coming to an end.  November is coming soon.  Only me and my family know what it means to all of us. Few years back, I never felt any different of each different month.  But now, no matter how hard I try to ignore, October and November will be forever a heart wrenching months for us, or at least for me.

My husband is the one who is being effected the most by my emotional battles.  Well, he is the closest person to me now.  Like it or not, if I am happy, or sad, or grieving or in my worst behavior…all the emotions will be thrown to him as well.  I guess, that is the blessing as well as a curse in every marriage.  That is why marriage is sometimes referred as ‘two become one’.  We have no choice but to share each other’s burden.

Days passing…the clock is ticking.  It’s one week towards the end of October.  I remember planting a ‘padi’ in a very small piece of my sister’s land with my mom on the final week of October last year. We laugh together and have fun.  She made the hole on the ground and I put the ‘padi’ seed inside the hole.  Only the two of us.  It is a very small area to plant a ‘padi’.  And the seed we bring is only one very small basket.  It was more like we were a children playing a planting ‘padi’ games.  She said she just want to try if the land is good to plant a ‘padi’. We had a great time.  It was a memorable moments.  I still remember her smiling face, her joyfulness that very day. 

Those days, I never took time to notice the beauty of sunset.  I never took time to appreciate the joy of sunrise.  Let alone to notice the ticking of the clock.  But, I guess even if I spend one whole day to prepare to notice all these things,  I still would not know if it was the final days I have with my beloved mom.  I would never know if it was the final week I have with her and the smiling face that day on the ‘padi’ field will be the last joyful smile of her I behold in my memories.  There is no way I would know.

Ahhh…..yup my tears are shedding now.  As always whenever I think of her.  It’s still hurt so much if I let myself sink too deep in the memories.  I better pen off now before this room is floading with my tears. 

Guys, no one know how long we live.  But it’s good to take time to notice the beauty of each moment around you.  It might not tell you much but at least it can remind you to appreciate your loves one.

Until later!

The Sea...His Passion, My Hidden Fear!

It was one of the night in the year of early 1980’s. A silent night, and it seems darker than usual.  My parents and me on the wide sea in my dad ship.  We stop to rest for the night.  The sea is so calm.  And my mom put me to sleep.  Then in the middle of the night,  I was woken up and somehow feel disoriented.  I was so wet.  It’s like I was playing on the rain.  The ship was shaking terribly and there is the loud hissing sound of wind.  I looked up to the ceiling of the ship and all I can see is darkness and rain pouring over me.  I look around and saw my mom and dad running around the ship, throwing some rice to the sky with an anguish cry to pagan gods for help. ( I didn’t born a Christian. We were pagan before).  It was a terrible chaos.  Than I understand that we were hit by a deadly sea storm.  So deadly that, I would say it was between life and death experience. But somehow, we survived the sea storm. I don’t remember feeling scared that time.  And, as I wake up the next morning, I guess I don’t even remember the memory of the night.  But I grown up feeling scared whenever I heard a loud hissing sound of wind.  It was a few years later in my teenage years that suddenly the memory of the night came back to me. And I ask my mom about it.  My mom told me that, the ceiling of the ship has been flown off by the wind.  That’s why I saw only darkness and rain pouring over me.  But then, the water that I thought was rain pouring over me was actually not rain.  There is no rain that night.  It was actually the sea water that carried by the wind.  The truth is, we could be dead that night.  It’s a miracle we survived.  The ship is 70% wrecked.  My mom said, my dad predicted that if the wind didn’t stop for another few minutes, we were finished!  The shocking truth is, the storm that hit us that night, is not an ordinary sea storm.  It was actually, a TORNADO. 

Mmm…that was one of the reasons why I never really like sea.  I still feel some kind of trauma whenever I think of it.  Not that I do not appreciate the beauty and the serenity of the sea.  Sea and beaches is for sure a beautiful landscape that cannot be denied.  But somehow, the unpredictable rage and the mystery of it are really disturbing and intimidating.  Well, at least for me. J  Whenever I look at the calm surface of the sea, I cannot help to think about what kind of creatures living down there.  Furthermore….I cannot swim!!! L It’s a reason strong enough to fear the sea don’t you think?

But, moving in to this small island, I realize that there is not much activities we can do other than picnic, fishing and fish netting.  All fall to category of activity that is related to sea.  And what make it worse, my husband is really fond of it.  In fact, it is his passion.  So…like it or not I have to learn to face my fear because he enjoy bring me along.  So, like shown in the picture, it’s me trying to be friendly with the sea. 

Have you ever heard of the kingdom of darkness under a sea?  It was said that, it will claim a victim once in a while.  That is why, sometimes people can be drawn in a calm and shallow sea without a logic reason.  Well..in my opinion it’s actually an evil.  As we know, evil can be everywhere.  Not only on sea.  So, no matter what we do, swimming on the sea or flying on the air..the most important thing is to pray for protection from our God.  That is the only guarantee that any kingdom of darkness won’t be able to attack us. Because in Him, we are tightly protected!

Looking back to the memorable night, I wonder what stopped the tornado in time.  We were pagan that time.  We were unbeliever!  But now I believe, God in his love and mercy has been watched over my parents and me.  He loves us and has wonderful plan ahead for us.  Thus, he commanded the tornado to cease, stop…and save us.  And for that, I thank God. 

But still…I am scared of sea.  Huuhuhuhu.

Until Tomorrow guys! 

Is This What We Call PREMONITION?

I have considered Instinct.  I have considered, Telepathy, Chemistry, Intuition, Six Sense.  Yes, I have considered lots of words to explain the weird kind of sensation I feel since more than 15 years ago.  Then a few days ago, I stumble to a word ‘premonition’ in the latest story book that I was reading.   So, I start to google the meaning and translation for the words and I think this is the closest definition to the question I have been search for so long.

According to Merriem-Webster.Com dictionary, the words Premonition is originally from the Anglo-French and also Medievel Latin language, ‘premunition’.  The words also is an alteration of late latin ‘preamonitio’.  It is first use in 15 century.  It is define as Previous notice or warning(Forewarning) or  Anticipation of an event without conscious reason( presentiment).

Another explanation that I found about premonition is it is a type of prophecy consisting of an impressionable warning of a future event. The phenomenon is characterized by such sensations as anxiety, uneasiness, a vague feeling of disquiet suggesting impending disaster to actual visual or auditory hallucinations. Premonition is sometimes referred to as a "gut-level" feeling. The sensation tends to occur prior to disasters, accidents, deaths and other traumatic and emotionally charged events..

Premonitions occurring in a waking state are more predominant that those that occur in dreams because in the latter they are frequently disguised as symbols, and tend to go unnoticed. However, when theses symbols frequently reappear in dreams, the individual may learn to recognize distinguishing symbols or emotional tones.

Now, what Premonition has to do with nobody me?  The truth is, I never understand it myself and I also not so sure if this is what we call premonition.  But as I said earlier, this is the closest explanation I found. 

First of all, as you read through this particular post you might find it a bit scandalous and sensitive to a few persons especially those who are close to me.  But take note that I don’t mean to hurt anyone.  Please treat it as some kind of free discussion. Come on, it’s not all the time I will let my inner self laid bare!!!

Here goes the story. I was very young when I have this crazy ‘crush’ towards this particular person. Well, let’s call him Mr. Anonymous. He is my first love and yeah…I was ‘head over heels’ in love with him like any other teenagers who is in love for the first time.  Looking back, I realize I did experience the weird experience or sensation about him from the beginning.  Only that I didn’t realize it earlier.  I only realize it a few years later when our path has gone to a different direction. 

Before I proceed, kindly take note that my relationship with him was somewhat considered undeclared and hanging but strangely ‘deep’. At least that is how I see it.  And after we took our own different direction, we don’t leave latest addresses or numbers to each other.  Thus we live our own life free from each other. No hopes, no promises to each other. If we happen to meet or talking on the phone, it was an unplanned event. And it happened very seldom in that period of 15 years.  And when it happened, usually I am well warned through the premonition.

The Premonition usually came in a shape of dreams.  Dream about him particularly.  And, it will end up that in the very near future, some event including him will happen.  An event as simple as, he might suddenly call out of nowhere, or out of nowhere I would stumble upon him or he is somewhere nearby in terms of geography.

The Premonition also came in a different shape sometimes.  And it is usually stronger than the premonition in a shape of dreams.  A feeling, anxiety, instinct, intuition…I don’t know which one.  But, it is some sort of a strong ‘thoughts’ about him that it will leave me restless until I find the answer of the source.  The strongest premonition I have experience in this shape was, the premonition about his engagement.  Recalling that day, I was in a middle of long journey from Tenom to Kota Kinabalu.  And suddenly I feel like my heart beat so fast than usual and the thoughts of him are very strong.  The only things that keep on repeating on my head was, he is married or somehow getting married.  I don’t know which one but, it must have something to do about marriage matter.  I disclosed the feeling to one of my closest friend who knows my history with him because that is the only way I can smoothened my anxiety. A few days later, I received a call from another close friend of mine telling me that she has received a news  that Mr. Anonymous was engaged exactly on the very date that I feel the premonition.  Upon receiving the news, I make a few calls to friends whom might know his latest phone number.  I called him and he confirmed it!

I was very shocked!  I was trembling, sweating and feel that I will faint anytime.  Not because of the news I just received.  But the fact that, the unexplainable connection I have with him are so scary powerful and strong.  That was, more than 3 years ago before both of us take a much more further different direction and considered final. And in that period of time, I was somehow convinced that the strange connection has finally broken.

My questions are, what exactly was the phenomenon?  Why it’s happen to me? Why only towards him I feel it?  I have families, I have close friends but I never have a strong connection like that towards them except a nightmare I have about 2 weeks before my mother’s death, which I won’t discuss it here. Will save it for another post in the future. So, back to the story,  I never ask him if he ever feel the same sensation I always feel or dream but judging from the…so called ‘quite thoughtless’ way he treated me, I believe I am the only one who experienced it and he on the other hand never aware of it.  

In searching of the answers, I have considered a few explanations.  One of it was, well…this actually sound quite embarrassing for me but…for once, I was made believe by my own thoughts that…perhaps there was some sort of divine intervention and it’s a sign that, there is a chance that he is in fact my soul mate. That’s why we were connected strongly in a strange way.  But then, where we are and what we become today is the living proves that it’s not the accurate explanation. So, I have to drop it.  The other explanation was, perhaps what I experience, the feeling, the anxiety, dreams and most of all the powerful unexplainable connection was driven by the deep feelings and thoughts I have for him.  But was it?  Is there such thing as that?  If there is, I never heard of it.

I dream of him again a few weeks ago and it is the first dream I have after so long. The impact is not as strong as before but enough to make me say ‘now what?’ And as I expected, somehow our world collides again a few days later in a ‘high tech digital world’ if you know what I mean.  And that was what encourages me to write about this topic. 

I am still wondering, when will it ever stop? Somehow, I feel exhausted and I have to admit that it depressed me sometimes.  I am still looking for answer. I want to know the truth.  And I don’t know if there is answer provided for me on this earth or I have to wait until I meet my Creator.  After all, God knows better.

Okay guys, it’s quite a long post huh?  And sounds a bit melancholy too. Are you touched?  Moved?  Or..simply bored?  Cheer up…coz I am penning off here.  Have a nice day everyone and I will see you again in my next post.

Bye for now and….Until Tomorrow!

Sources:

Merriem-Webster.Com dictionary

Guiley, Rosemary Ellen. Harper's Encyclopedia of Mystical and Paranormal Experience, New York: HarperCollins, 1991, pp. 465-466
Spence, Lewis, An Encyclopedia of Occultism, New York, Carol Publishing Group Edition, 1996, p. 329

In Quest of Tranquility

It took me quite sometimes to finally create this blogging space. Exploring, learning, refers to other blogs for some ideas. But most of the time, I will just disconnected the internet connection, off my laptop (oppss..my husband’s laptop actually) with an empty hand. I was draining out of ideas.  And what was it that troubling my brain so much to find?  Guess what guys, it’s simply the title of my blog!

Well..it’s not that everyone would care to read it.  But it’s my blog, my space, my empty canvas to sketch however I like.  So, I need something that at least can describe the contents of the blog and picture out me as a person.  I need a magic word that has a very strong connection to my life.  And finally, the best I can get is ‘TRANQUILITY’ and I like it. That’s what I seek all this while.

Why this words? Mmmm…let me bring you back to my brief history.  I was born in a big and loving family.  Humble beginning though but, strong will and hard work of my dad make me dare to say, it’s a perfect blessing to be born in this family.  And I am the youngest child.  It’s an extra blessing.  But I was an ugly child.  Hahahaha.  Ugly but adorable.  Yeah right!!! Well, ugly or not, it doesn’t matter.  At least I am adorable in my kindred’s eyes.

But, little did they know and I didn’t know it myself back then, that I grown up became teenagers and young single woman fighting a hard battle on my mind.  My parents and my siblings are a very special person in my eyes.  All of them! They are talented, they are genius and even some of them not, they have their own unique strength that is so rare to find.  In other words, they are a successful human being. Thus, they have put a very high standard for me to keep up.

I’ve been through a lot in that battle.  A bittersweet experience I would say.  Been praised and applauded, been awarded and criticized, fell in love, being in love, rejected and out of love, stumble and fall and raise up.  It’s draining me up.

Living alone in a big city as a young and single woman, giving me an opportunity to enjoy my single life.  Crazy life. Well not that I am a bad woman, but I have a wild side too.  Working and squeeze my brain in a day and embrace night life few times in a week.  Dress up, flirt, dance, got drunk and all the hoo haa hoo haa.  And at the end of the day, when the disco lights go out, I will find myself sitting in the dark alone and in tears.  It’s hectic, it’s lonely, it’s meaningless.

Time passes by and I am married now,  and slowly I feel that my old self is fading away.  Lot’s of thing has changed since then. I cannot say if this is better or worst.  I couldn’t say that I am happier now coz, I lost a few things that are so meaningful and dear to me as well.  I lost a few friends of mine, I lost my job and above all I lost my beloved mother.  So, how could I say, this is better..this is happier when someone that has the biggest influence in my life has gone.  But one thing for sure, all this heartbreaking lost makes me moving slower in pace. The battle is still there of course.  But I think it’s up to me to decide on how to fight in that battle.  

Moving in with my husband in a new place, no connection and jobless gave me an ample time to look inside myself.  Going through each day running the house as lady of our small house somehow teach me a lot about wifely duty.  After all is done, I take my quiet time to drown inside myself, think about my lost and how to cure my weeping soul, think about the uncertain future, reminisce the old times and appreciate the blessing of the presents. 

I am still fighting.  The battle is not over.  After all, it’s a lifetime battle.  But I need time to rest as well.  A time for myself to stop running for a while in the midst of the hectic lifestyle.  A time for myself to have my quiet and serene moment, enjoying every second of it and sketch on my empty canvas.  That is why I choose the words, Tranquility.  A moments of peace…a moments of calmness.  This is what I called, My Moments of Tranquility.

So…that’s all for today guys.  See you in my next post.

Bye for now and Hasta Manana!!

Welcoming Myself To Blogging!

Finally....I successfully created my own blog.  Congrats to me!!!  Hehehe...

And enough for today...phewwww!!!

Until Tomorrow!!!